The Legends & Lore of Smash Mansion
by MidnightNocturne
Summary: For decades, the prestigious Smash Mansion has been shrouded by mystery. Complete with a security of magic, state-of-the-art tech and Fighting Alloys, this residence has been an impenetrable fortress to the media. However, not everything that happens in the Smash Mansion stays in the mansion. Warning: Readers may experience hostility from ill-tempered Smashers. Read at you own risk
1. Disclaimer

This is a collection of events revolving around the characters in Super Smash Bros. Whether these events really happened are up to you to decide.

Rated T for language, some violence, maybe some adult themes, and a lot of sighing.

Disclaimer: all of these characters belong to Nintendo

P.S.

Dear Nintendo,

You had better not cut any of our precious Smashers from the next game and do **not **add characters from different franchises. Oh yeah, bring back our melee rejects~!

Love,

Your avid fan


	2. The Uninvited: part 1

Hey, peeps!

I'm starting this new series called "the Legends and Lore of Smash Mansion," which is a collection of stories about the Smashers' lives. Every story will focus on different character(s)

[story begins here]

Today was not a good day for Fox McCloud. Today was the day his father was visiting the Smash Mansion. Restlessly, he paced back and forth in his room while Falco looked on with his head rested on his hand and a bored expression on his face.

"What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do about this?" the Starfox captain wondered frantically as he shifted his eyes around the room for any ideas.

"Just follow him around for the day to make sure that he doesn't hurt himself," Falco suggested blandly.

"I'm more worried that he's going to destroy _my_ reputation," Fox said desperately.

Falco snorted and rolled his eyes.

Fox abruptly spun around to his friend and closed in onto his face. "Don't you remember his state the last time you met him?"

"He's wearing down."

"He's _senile_!" Fox hissed. Falco raised an eyebrow. Throwing his head back and pulling down on his ears dramatically, Fox groaned, "Why does _he _have to come _here_?"

"It can't be that bad," Falco stated. "Just show him around, tell him you're doing fine, and keep him away from the others."

"You don't understand-" Fox began before the doorbell rang.

"Yay~! The guest is here!"

Toon Link's shout of glee and running footsteps echoed throughout the mansion.

"All Starfox units prepare to intercept the target!" Fox commanded. "Disengage preemptive strike and get into defensive positions! Prevent any Smasher from reaching the main door!"

"Uhhh, I think that's only us," Falco said.

"Then we have a job to do!" Fox shouted and ran for the stairs. "Move out!"

With a sigh, Falco followed reluctantly.


	3. The Uninvited: part 2

Downstairs, Toon Link was opening the door and some of the Smashers were already waiting expectantly or curiously.

"NOOOOOO~!" Fox reached out and bellowed in slow motion as the door creaked open.

Outside was an aged anthropomorphic fox in a hovering wheelchair. He was old beyond description; his once light-brown fur was now ghostly grey and white, his figure looked as if it would wither away in any second, his teeth needed replacements or already substituted by gold or silver canines, his eyes were as glassy as a corpse's, and an IV was attached to his wheelchair. The liquid that sluggishly dripped down of the IV bag seemed to represent his life dripping away, his posture was that of a dead man's, and his eyes seemed to be already looking far off into heaven.

"Good day, young 'uns," James McCloud struggled to say in a weak voice.

The Smashers stared in shock, awe, or a combination of both.

"Is he dead?" Lucas asked meekly.

* * *

After getting over the initial shock, the Smashers began to introduce themselves in an amiable matter and gossiped amongst each other. Fox took refuge under a cardboard box rented from Snake. Ganondorf strutted over to his hiding place to gloat.

"_He_ is your future self," Ganondorf snickered. "For once, you have my deepest condolences."

"Shaddup," Fox groaned.

"Where's my son?" James asked in a powerless voice as his eyes wandered around with strain.

"He's probably tidying up the place for you. Anyways, I'm Link," the Hero of Time greeted while shaking the elderly fox's almost limp hand. Link was one of the few who were still wearing his fighting garments. "I've been one of Fox's friends since Smash Mansion opened."

"Why're you wearing a skirt?" James questioned as he struggled to focus his vision. "Are you one of them cross-dressers?"

An angry vein popped out from Link's forehead.

"This is not a skirt, sir. And where I come from, the customs of clothing are a little bit different," Link explained as he tried to hide his annoyance.

"That place full of pansies or something?"

"Excuse me," Link concluded with a forced smile and left to vent his anger on something other than a debilitated old man.

"James McCloud-dono! I have heard many legends about you!" Captain Falcon roared in excitement as he pushed through the mob and bowed deeply. "To meet you like this in person is a great honor!"

"Why're you yellin' so loud? Yer gonna kill me ears," the fox complained with a frail wheeze.

Unaware of the discomfort, the F-Zero racer saluted with his chest puffing out. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Captain Douglass Falcon, the greatest F-Zero racer in the world, although such a title is worthless compared to your accomplishments, sir! If I can be of any service, I shall gladly assist you!"

"Go jump off a cliff, buster," the retired pilot groaned.

"I shall accomplish this task with all the passion in my burning heart, sir!" Captain Falcon blared and ran past the crowd and broke through the window in search of a cliff.

Noticing Falco, the old fox hovered to his friend's closest companion.

"It's been a while, old man," Falco greeted.

"It's nice to see a familiar face here," James whispered hoarsely with the biggest smile his decrepit face muscles could muster, which was not very big at all. "How're you doing here, Pidgey? Ya blending in well?"

"I'm doing fine here, and the name's Falco," the avian growled.

"Alright. Catch you later, Charmander," James McCloud said cheerfully and moved on to search for his son.

Spotting Bowser, who was trying to sneak off with the last cup ramen, he said, "Hey, you one of them new Pokemon? I thought I was going to assassinate that sonofabitch creator before he comes up with the sixth generation, but I guess you're decent enough."

Swiftly looking from the insulter to the ramen and back again, Boswer's mind was racing. He could have either pummeled the geezer but face the swarm of young Smashers that notice the instantly cooked deliciousness, or he could quietly retreat to his room.

"Dammit," he hissed and bolted up the stairs. Unfortunately, the youngsters noticed him.

"After him!" Ness shouted with his baseball bat pointing like a sword. With their squeaky battle cries, Ness, Lucas, Toon Link, Nana, Popo, and Kirby went into hot pursuit of the Koopa king.

"How do you do, Mr. McCloud," Peach Toadstool greeted with a curtsy.

"Welcome to Smash Mansion, Mr. McCloud," Zelda said politely with a small bow.

Fox's father let out a small chuckle to Zelda. "Why hello there. Aren't you a pretty girl."

Before Peach could harm the already handicapped fox, Mario, Luigi, DK, and Yoshi pulled her away.

"HE IGNORED ME! _NOBODY_ IGNORES ME!" Peach screamed in her demonic voice. "I'M GONNA BASH HIS HEAD IN WITH HIS OWN WHEELCHAIR!"

"Peach, maybe he has-a bad vision," Mario reasoned.

"That old bro made a good choice by avoiding someone freaky like you," DK commented while trying to restrain the princess's left arm.

"DK, you've-a doomed us all!" Luigi squealed in terror.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY, YOU STUPID MONKEY? THAT'S IT, YOU'RE ALL DEAD!"

"Every- a man for himself~!" Mario yelled as the four ran away screaming for their lives.

Back at the entrance hall, James McCloud was closely examining Samus.

"You've got a nice pair of hooters, missy," he complimented analytically. "Yes, very fine indeed. Very fertile and bountiful…"

The bounty hunter stared daggers at him, daring James to say another word.

Glancing up at her face this time, he said, "I'd make my son mate with you, but too bad you're not half fox." With that, he slowly hovered away.

"That perverted geezer," Samus said in her usually monotone voice which betrayed her obvious rage. She pulled out her Plasma Whip and brandished it menacingly. "He won't live to see tomorrow."

"Hey, Samus. Calm down. He's an old man," Snake said as he held her back with difficulty.

Seeing Marth, James questioned, "Hey lass, why don't ya have any udders?"

The prince reminded himself that this rude fox was ancient and his brain was probably deteriorating.

"I'm male, sir," Marth replied with a celebrity smile.

"No you're not," the old fox protested with a tiny burst of effort. "You think you can fool ol' James McCloud cuz he's gettin old, do ya? I'm still sharp as ever! That sign there yonder says…. 'Wall can.'"

The greeting sign hung up five feet away actually read, "Welcome" in large, bold print letters.

"I know some people mistaken me as a woman, but I'm not," Marth said evenly with a still pleasant demeanor.

James squinted carefully and examined him. "Yes, you are."

"I am definitely not, sir."

"Don't patronize me, girl!"

"I'll go join Link," Marth told the others and briskly walked away.

Just then, the Master Hand floated in. "Good morning, James. I believe it's been what, thirty years since we've met."

With a weak laugh, the fox wheezed, "Master Hand, you son of a gun. It's been too long."

"Why does that old fart remember _his _name so well?" Falco exclaimed in the background.

"Indeed it has been. Do you need anything? A glass of water? Blood transfusion?"

"These young 'uns are givin' me a headache. I think I'll take a short nap."

"Please make yourself comfortable in Fox's bedroom."

"Thank'ee kindly," James said and slowly hovered upstairs.

"Remember to be respectful to Mr. McCloud. He was once the best pilot in the Lylat Cruise and a legendary hero. He may have some… inhibitions now, but he's still the same man, I mean fox," Master Hand announced and teleported away.

After making sure that his father was not present, Fox emerged from Snake's box and stood on the stairs to get everyone's attention.

"Guys, listen up. I know my dad could be a pain, but please bear with him and try to avoid him if possible. He usually makes every situation worse and rubs people the wrong way. My dad's not a mean guy, but he has the need to speak his mind. He might say things that most of you will find offensive, but he doesn't know any better. I'll tour him around the mansion-"

"Can't let you do that, Starfox," Wolf smirked.

"Oh, shut up!" Fox snapped. "Anyways, I'll tour him around and you guys just go on with doing whatever you usually do. This way, conflicts, possibly casualties, can be prevented. Oh yeah, and try not to talk to him."

"You sure he ain't yo great- grandfather or somethin'?" Diddy Kong asked. "That guy looks like a thousand years old!"

"I'm _sure_," Fox emphasized as he ground his teeth. "Can you guys help me out on this one?"

Murmurs of agreement rippled through the crowd.

"Thank you. I'll go upstairs to make sure that he hasn't… done anything to hurt himself."

"Can't let you do that, Starfox," Wolf O'Donnell objected with a vicious grin and blocked his way.

"Then would _you_ rather change his diapers, wipe his butt, clean the drool off his face and brush his teeth for him?"

Without another word, Fox's arch-nemesis stepped aside with a salute and the Starfox leader dashed up the stairs.

"You're just making sure that he hasn't found any of your porn magazines!" Falco shouted after him.

"You have porn up there?" a blood-stained Peach exclaimed as she just returned from obliterating Mario and the others. "PERVERT!"

"Don't blame him, princess. Men need their porn," Snake said.

Ike approved with a thumbs up.

* * *

**_I had this written some time ago, but i didn't get to edit it. Well, please leave any comments, questions, concerns, critiques, etc. I would greatly appreciate it. Next chapter would be up soon!_**


	4. The Uninvited: part 3

"And this is the living room," Fox said with a grim smile as he lead his father inside.

James McCloud only used his eye muscles to look around, seemingly motionless, almost dead.

"Dad."

"Yeah?"

"You have something there," Fox said and quickly wiped off the saliva that hung onto the side of this father's mouth.

"What're them young 'uns playin'?" he asked and turned his wheelchair to the general direction of the group of the youngest Smashers.

"Just Yu-Gi-Oh. We shouldn't bother them-"

"Yu-Gi-Oh? I haven't seen that in years," James commented nostalgically and hovered over to the duel.

With a facepalm, Fox trailed after his father.

"What's that?" James asked suspiciously as he eyed a card with a purple background.

"It's called VWXYZ Dragon Catapult Canon," Ness answered.

"VX what?" the old canine wheezed confoundedly. "Back in my days, all we had was Blue-Eyes White Dragon and Change of Heart."

"What's that?" Toon Link asked, blinking.

"Speaking of back in those days, I remember when Fox was as lil' as you."

_This is what I've feared,_ Fox thought as a bead of sweat rolled down his face.

James nodded to himself affirmatively. "A great shitter he was."

"Dad! Language!" Fox warned. "And don't tell them about-"

"He was great at what?" Popo exclaimed, exasperated.

"In fact, he'd even shit in the kitchen and the front yard," he went on with a barely audible laugh. "That's what happens when your pup's not potty trained well. I should've named him Shitter."

"Dad! Don't use that language around kids! We're out of here," Fox affirmed and pushed his father to the backdoor. "We're gonna get some fresh air."

"Awwww. I was getting to the part when you-"

"Dad!"

* * *

In the backyard, Fox let out a huge sigh. "Dad! What were you thinking?!"

His father mustered his face muscles to put on a hurt expression. "I was just tellin' 'em young uns' about your childhood."

"And you had to choose the most embarrassing parts."

"You're whole childhood was an embarrassment," he replied frankly.

Fox looked as if he was about to explode. "I'm going to take a quick walk. Don't go anywhere."

As his son stormed away, James weakly cocked his head from side to side, unclear of what made Fox so angry. From the bushes a few feet away, Wario and Waluigi spied the guest with eyes full of avarice.

"Hey, Waluigi. That-a hover technology looks-a pretty useful," Wario remarked. "After Master Hand took away our hoverboard, things have-a become too boring."

"We could-a remove the anti-gravity engine that is-a at the bottom of that chair," Waluigi mused. "Getting-a under there would-a be the trouble."

"We could-a dig underground and steal the engine without-a being noticed," Wario said with evil glee.

"That is-a ingenious!" Waluigi almost exclaimed. "We should-a get to work. Fox could-a be back anytime."

* * *

In Master Hand's office, Fox slammed his hands down on the large mahogany desk.

"Why haven't you told me sonner that my father was coming?!" he demanded.

"At ease, Fox. I received the message just this morning and notified you right away," the gloved hand explained calmly.

Sighing in defeat, the Starfox leader lowered his head.

"I wish I could have known earlier, but the visit was very unexpected."

"Damn, I don't know who's to blame now," Fox mumbled.

"Just endure him for one day and let him leave with a heart free from worry," Master Hand said sympathetically.

"I'm sorry for intruding like this," the fox apologized and headed for the door.

"No need to be sorry; I understand. My brother's antics are also difficult to keep in check. It's a relief that he's currently on vacation."

Before Fox left, Master Hand added, "One more thing: we'll be holding a small barbeque outdoors in honor of your father."

Fox spun around so fast that he almost broke his hip. "What! Isn't that going a little overboard?!"

"Fox-kun, your father does not have much time left in this world. As an old friend, I want to send him off with fond memories, and I know you mean well for him as well."

"Not if he's going to make a fool out of me," Fox grumbled. "Alright. We'll have a _small_ barbeque, and I really mean small; nothing extravagant, no fireworks, no surprises, none of that."

"Very well. You would probably want to return to your father. He may have wandered off into the forest," Master Hand suggested as he telekinetically sorted to documents on his desk.

"Crap," Fox growled and dashed out the office.

* * *

In the backyard, James McCloud was oblivious of Wario and Waluigi, who popped out from the ground under his wheelchair.

"Haha, we've-a made it!" Waluigi snickered maliciously.

"Not so loud, idiot!" his biker brother hissed. "You'll-a blow our cover."

"He's-a probably deaf," Waluigi grumbled.

"Let's-a get to work," Wario whispered and pulled out a toolbox and handed Waluigi a wrench.

The purple-clad villain noticed something. "Hey, Wario. What is-a this hatch for?"

"Doesn't matter. Just-a do your job."

Just then, a mechanical voice from the hovering wheelchair announced, "Evacuation storeroom at maximum capacity."

"What the hell does-a evacuation mean?" Wario wondered.

"Releasing stored excrements."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAA~!" Wario and Waluigi shrieked as the wheelchair floated higher into the air and a torrent of, well, you know, flooded down on the duo. They wrestled each other to escape as the monsoon of unpleasantness slowly filled their tunnel.

"Cave in, cave in!" Wario blared at the top of his lungs. "I-a repeat: Cave in!"

Fox had just returned from his meeting with the Master Hand. "Hey, Dad…. That's disgusting!" he cried out in disgust.

"Sorry son. I got almost no control over the evacuation system," the elderly canine said and patted the side of his wheelchair.

"I'll send some Wire-Frames to clean it up," Fox said as he massaged his creasing eyebrows. "But first, I need a scapegoat. _No one_ can know that this was your mess."

After relocating his father, he searched the area and found Toon Link's pet piglet.

"You'll do."

Before the poor animal could protest, the pilot deftly picked up the tiny pig and placed it near the newly formed brown and green pile.

"If you even _try_ to run away, I know where to find you," Fox threatened as he displayed his razor teeth.

With a terrified squeal, the pig bowed several times to show its subjugation.

"I'll be counting on you," Fox finished and went after his father.

A few seconds later, Toon Link came outside and spotted his pet beside the pile of manure.

"Whoa, did _you_ make that?" he asked excited as he petted the pig. "Are you growing? Maybe you'll grow big enough for me to ride!"

"Oink," it replied, crestfallen by its current state.

"S.O.S.," a small voice croaked from a few feet away.

* * *

_**Okayyyyy, it's been a long time since I posted anything. sorry about that. **_

_****__**How was the more explicit content of this chapter? Was that too much crap for you? (excuse the bad pun, i try)**_

_**the epic conclusion for The Uninvited will be up by tomorrow!**_


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